


Philophobia

by AshsHorrorShow



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Fear, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Izaya Orihara Doesn't Know How to Love, M/M, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 21:44:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10750404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshsHorrorShow/pseuds/AshsHorrorShow
Summary: Love is a complicated subject... one even too daunting for a human god like Izaya Orihara to comprehend.





	Philophobia

**Author's Note:**

> _Philophobia - the fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love._

Sometimes, Izaya Orihara wondered why he bothered to keep his secretary, Namie Yagiri, around at all. After all, he didn’t necessarily need her. He had been able to do his job perfectly well before she had ever entered his life. Plus, she wasn’t particularly pleasant to be around. The woman carried a whole boatload of character flaws with her (not that he could necessarily judge but…) that only gave him all the more reason to kick her ass to the curb. She was cold, unsympathetic to his daily plights, and always complaining. She held incestuous feelings towards her little brother (who she also felt the need to talk about constantly), and honestly, the amount of times she had threatened to poison his coffee when he wasn’t looking was borderline concerning. 

That was only the short list....

Honestly people were always criticizing him and claiming he had no heart and all, but as far as he saw it, him keeping Namie around for as long as he had not only proved that he had a heart, but that he was a fucking saint as well. Anyone else would’ve fired her long ago, he was sure of it. He, however, in his immense niceness allowed her to stay and had even gave her a high wage! But the charity case had since overstayed her welcome and now it was time to move on. He might as well start on the pink slip now.

Okay, sure she was a fast and diligent worker. The seemingly endless amounts of paperwork he had to keep up with had more than halved since she had started working there. But he managed that the large load well enough in the past so that really wasn’t too much of a benefit.

And okay, so maybe having someone who reminded him to eat every now and again and even cooked for him sometimes could also be handy in retrospect. He had ended up in Shinra’s once after passing out due to forgetting to eat. Her food was bland and tasteless sometimes but it was still better than nothing he supposed. But he could set a reminder on his phone for that kind of thing and he could cook his own meals which were probably way tastier. He still didn’t think that was enough of an argument to keep her.

Okay, so again, maybe having a secretary who could determine which clients were and weren’t worth his time and who organized his schedule saved him a lot of time and hassle on a near daily basis. And maybe having her around had made his job a lot simpler…

Ah, who the heck was he fooling? He had somehow let himself get foolishly reliant on Namie, a fact that made him want to spat on the ground. What kind of god was he? Whatever… the fact remained that Namie was a top-notch secretary and he until he could find someone just as skilled as her who could also tolerate him, she wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon. 

But good secretary or not, that didn’t mean she couldn’t get on his last nerve. Mostly when she said really dumb things.

He really didn’t know why her words from this morning bothered him so much but they really did. Maybe it was his fault for giving her too much credit. After all, while Namie was certainly smarter than the average person crawling around the streets, she was still human. And humans were prone to constantly thinking about superfluous things like love and when they got too wrapped up in their flowery little thoughts about idiotic things, stupid questions were bound to occur, even in the brightest of minds. As a god, he knew this was a flaw human beings could not help. So why was he still feeling so annoyed? The fact that her implications this morning had gotten under his skin like this was troublesome to say the least. He was supposed to be better than this. 

Maybe it was the fact that she had caught him off-guard with it. After all, she had just randomly dropped it into the conversation like a bomb with no warning and for practically no reason at all. There had been, chattering excitedly about how he finally had the time to visit Ikebukuro (after all his job had kept him away from his precious city and Simon’s ootoro for far too long) and all he made was an off-hand comment on how he hoped he a certain blond monster wouldn’t ruin it for him when suddenly she said it. The unnecessary comment. 

“You know, for someone you apparently hate so much, you always seem to find some excuse to bring him up in almost everything,” Namie said without even looking up from her computer screen. 

He had actually been kind enough to brush that comment off, figuring it to be one of her usual jibes. Shaking his head, he chuckled and said, “Oh no, not you too. Really, Namie, I thought you were better than that but you sound exactly like my sisters or Erika who think the real world functions just like a BL manga.” 

Namie had simply shrugged and said, “I’m just being honest. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have my own fair share of people I hate, but I don’t go out of my way to bring them up or even see them almost every time I go into Ikebukuro like you do.” 

“Perhaps my hatred of Shizu-chan surpasses all of your hatreds then,” Izaya had said in a clipped, dismissive tone, indicating he wanted this conversation over and done with. 

If Namie was bothered by the cold, poisonous tone his voice had though, she certainly didn’t show it. She only said, “There is no need to get defensive.”

He had gotten the strong urge to make a jab about her brother and that Mika Harima girl he was with but he held back. Such a response would be immature and it would really only prove her point of being defensive, so he held off. Instead, he kept his tone even and said that she was merely imagining things and he wished her luck with her work before he put on his coat and left. 

He thought the move would give him a sense of satisfaction, but it more or less gave him the feeling that he was running away, which wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

He thought once he walked outside and saw all the people and heard all of the hubbub of street noise, the bad mood he was in would wash away and he would forget Namie’s stupid accusation. But it didn’t. The feeling pervaded and pervaded and soon the thoughts strayed away from how much he hated Namie to the subject of Shizuo.

As much as he hated to admit it, Namie was right to a degree. It would be a lie for him to continue to say that his relationship with Shizuo was only their usual chases across the streets. There was… side activities every now and then. Side activities that took place either in one of their bedrooms or in some secluded location, far away from prying eyes. 

These types of moments were rare… but they happened and after it was all over the two of them would then leave, both feeling utterly disgusted with themselves. They didn’t call each other. They didn’t give gifts. Hell, the sex was more rough and hate-filled than anything that could be called intimate.

A relationship like that could not be qualified by any conventional definition of love. Izaya liked it like that.

Or at least he thought he did until that dream came along. 

The dream had been the usual wet dream. He was a male after all. It had started with sweat-slicked bodies grinding over each other, tight thrusts that made the room and everything around and inside of him unbearably hot, the air was filled with moans… it had been the usual fare. But as the dream was reaching its climax, Dream Shizuo had to say those three stupid and cursed words.

“I love you.” 

He’d woken up right there and then, covered in a cold sweat. 

Normally Izaya wasn’t one of those types who took too much stock in dreams. He had had weird dreams before and they hadn’t necessarily meant anything. But this one… this one he couldn’t shake off. Something in his subconscious made him think of Shizuo say those words. Those three damned words. Why?

Did he actually want something along the lines of a somewhat romantic relationship with Shizuo? He didn’t think he did. After all, there was still a part of his gut that twisted with hate whenever he saw the blond monster. Surely that could be no founding principle of love right? 

The very idea of love was sickening to him. It was only a weakness with very little returns. Love made one too dependent. Too easy to manipulate. Too easy to be hurt. He wouldn’t fall for that. What did love have to offer? Better sex? The sex was fine enough with this little hate thing he had going on thank you very much. Some gifts? He was rich. He could buy himself gifts.

There was nothing romantic love could offer that he couldn’t get himself. 

But sometimes he couldn’t deny the fact that there were moments when Shizuo would be unusually gentle with him instead of rough and domineering… and those gentle caresses or the genuine effort to be softer with his approach would do inexplicable things to him in ways he couldn’t describe. He couldn’t deny that he liked the sometimes softer kisses he received. He couldn’t deny that a part of him craved something more meaningful. 

But the risk was too great. Romance was too much work. It required a level of caring and understanding… something Izaya didn’t think he’d have the capacity for. Plus the commitment. What if he put in all the work only to be screwed out in the end? Shizu-chan is an idiot after all and he had plenty of reason to leave at any point- 

Love as a concept was too confusing. What was it? People seemed to have different definitions. It was a question he thought about often but had no answer to… which frustrated him all the more as it gave him no solution to his own problems. 

Agh… it was all so confusing!

The more and more he contemplated on confusing thoughts on love and feelings the faster he walked until finally he was in Ikebukuro, still feeling steamed. 

Originally his plan was to stay and people-watch… maybe mess around with a few people here and there, try to get some side information, stop by Russian Sushi to pick up some ootoro…

But now, he suddenly felt the urge to cause trouble. The urge to prove to everyone that no… Izaya Orihara was not in love with anybody. 

Pulling out his switchblade, he prepared to search for a certain blond monster. Prepared to throw it and initiate a chase. Prepared to pull out every hurtful quip he had in the book at the blond idiot for daring to be a part of his life. For daring to put him through this torment. 

Izaya Orihara, the human god, refused to let his downfall be because of something as stupid and as uncertain as love.

**Author's Note:**

> Wooot. So this is finally done. I have had this idea for literally like two years but never really wrote it in a way I was happy with. Am I happy with this project? Ehhhh... kind of sort of. There are places I wish could be improved on and places I explored more but overall I like how this came out. I hope you do too. 
> 
> Poor Izaya. I feel you on this one a bit. 
> 
> As always, critique is always welcome and have a great day!


End file.
